BIT Blog

An Iguana Recounts the Legend of Tequila

We’re not referring to your legacy from getting drunk and acting like an idiot which people spread all over the net (although that probably did happen …unfortunately for you.) No, this tale comes from the infamously agro Aztecs that conquered a highly civilized, intellectually advanced culture, called the Toltecs, in central Mexico. Of course there are two versions of the story.

In the Aztec version, they were forced to perform human sacrifices (otherwise known as a big whammy for the Toltecs) because an evil sky goddess stole their light. So, Quetzalcoatl, the Aztec’s good guy decided he was going to bring the smack down on the naughty goddess. However, when he got up to the sky where she was hiding out, he didn’t find her. Instead he found her hottie of a granddaughter, who happened to be a little goddess of fertility. We all know how that went.

Well, meanwhile Grandma was pissed. She started searching for them. When she finally found them a vicious battle ensued. The foxy harlot was slain, and Quetzalcoatl, in his anger, killed Grandma. (You can definitely see the murder theme flowing freely through Aztec myth. Coincidence? I think not.) The other gods took pity on poor, grieving Quetzalcoatl and a special plant begin to grow on the grave of his unlucky love.

The gods bestowed magical properties on the plant, giving it the power to soften the blow of a broken heart and incite hallucination. (For the record, the only hallucinations we’ve experienced are imagining we’re cooler, sexier or generally more well-liked than we actually are.) The purpose of this was to soothe the savage beast (it has the reverse reaction for us iguanas.)

This is the origin of what we now call “tequila beer,” which is fermented Blue Agave that hasn’t been distilled. Distillilation was introduces by dirty Spaniards, who thought of as prophesized (yet painfully stinky) gods were allowed to enter and ultimately destroy the empire. The Aztecs were rewarded with the finished libation to ease the pain of their broken culture, just like Quetzalcoatl. The Spanish on the other hand, continued not to bathe. And in this way, tequila, or fire-water, was born.